I just read an article and it sent me into tears of joy and I just felt like I needed to offload. I feel bizarre writing this at in the wee hours of a Saturday but I guess life is weird sometimes. My body has been in a state of of constant arousal, or it feels like it and I thought maybe commiting these thoughts to words might help me settle.

I don't usually go for casual sex. My past experiences made me really weary. But, as I discovered today, my period was about to arrive and that generally sends my sex drive into overdrive. I went to a swingers club on my own because honestly I just wanted to scratch an itch anonymously. I wound myself up dressing up in lingerie and sending pictures to some of my casual partners. I thought about it for hours, decided to roll a dice to decide and when my arbitrary parameters indicated I should stay home, I decided I would go. Because really, that is only a way of helping me know what I want, right? I showered and dressed and drove the the club and it didn't really happen as I had planned but I think that was for the better.

I had a drink, gathered my courage and asked a girl who seemed bubbly and confident if she could show me around, she seemed a bit astonished but I appreciated her showing me some of the stuff I hadn't seen, accustoming myself to speaking to random people. Social anxiety sucks.

I met an older couple and quite enjoyed myself. I had gone upstairs to sort of explore and they approached me and I just said yes. I didn't let my anxiety get the better of me and we had a chat before anything started. They were slightly older than I would usually prefer but I felt so flattered and it was fun, they knew what they were doing. If I had gone home then, I would have been satisfied.

The more important encounter was later on. I met this guy, he's poly and his partners just watched us flirt with huge grins on their faces, I was astonished. He was young, again probably not my usual age range seemed like early 20s but dear lord he had the body of Adonis, lean muscular, ears and nose piercings but nothing over the top. Again, not usually my style but he was so friendly and had such a nice smile. I was gobsmacked that he was taking an interest in me.

We chatted for a time. We had basically nothing in common but he's sweet and every step of the way, he fucking asked. He ASKED. He didn't assume a single thing. "Would you like to join me in the steam room?" We spent about half an hour just talking, looking, eyes hooded and anticipation rising. Then, "Can I touch you?" and we spent time touching and teasing, hadn't even kissed. I have never NOT ONCE had a guy touch me like that.

And dear God when we went upstairs he had me screaming just from oral. Again, not the usual response, I haven't enjoyed oral in the past and even during penetrative sex, I wouldn't say I'm loud, but I'm not quiet either. I was a mess of sweat and satisfaction.

When I woke up this morning and saw the blood it kinda clicked into place. Fast forward to now, period sex brain in full overdrive and I was wondering why orgasms feel different solo vs partnered and I came across a website explaining orgasms in a sex positive, feminist approach and it all fricken made sense. Part of why my relationship with my ex fell apart, why the sexual assult was a huge barrier I couldn't overcome with him, and why being treated with respect, and compassion by an absolute stranger made me feel so sexy, so empowered and not conscious of the way my tummy looks, or if I smell weird. The foreplay allowed me to build trust with this guy I barely knew and just enjoy myself and my sexuality. I feel like I had a break through. And on top of that, now I just feel a full body sense of soreness and satisfaction. I certainly hope I can see him for a round two.