Step by Step Guide for First Time BDSM Play

Regardless if you are a Dom or a submissive, kinkster or fetishist, starting out on your kinky journey can be daunting. It’s one thing to know you’re kinky and want to play, it's another altogether to face that reality. But you’re here, and to help you prepare for that first kink encounter we’ve compiled a step by step guide.

Meeting prior to play

Some of us are lucky to enough to have found friends and partners with whom we can evolve our kink life and have a trusted connection. But for those of us who discovered our kinks while single, or partnered with people who don’t share our desires, it can be tricky to find someone trusted with whom we can share these passions. The better you know your potential partner, the more chance you’ll be able to achieve a successful play session.

Sensual or Sexual encounter

Be honest about where you’re at. Kink and BDSM can certainly be intimate experiences, but they are not reliant on sexual attraction or activity. One of the first things to consider is where you plan for the play to go. Are you planning a hook-up with some rough sex, or an impact scene that could get sexy? Would you prefer a totally non-sexual encounter, based only on sensual connection? There is no wrong answer; it’s just important for you and your partner to be on the same page.

Health Considerations

Prior to play establish any health concerns or considerations, the most common of which are high or low blood pressure, chronic pain, anxiety, and allergies. Be aware of each other’s most common triggers and/or phobias, and share what your trigger response looks like. These considerations will really help you start building your boundaries (eg. low-blood pressure players can’t stand stationary for too long, so if standing is required – say for an upper body flogging – it should be timed accordingly.)

Enthusiastic Consent 

For your first play sessions ensure you engage in activities you are both particularly keen for. There’s time to push limits and test endurance as your experience and trust builds. Enthusiastic consent is more than saying ‘yes’ to something; it’s about all parties being clearly excited and happily engaged throughout the activity. 

Hard Limits

Once you know what you DO want to do, be sure to consider and discuss what you DON'T want to do. In some ways, having limits seems at odds with kink play – surely we’re doing this to get out of a box and break some rules? Why would we want more? It may seem counterintuitive but these limits actually create the boundaries to contain your play, and ultimately frees you to be as spontaneous and fun as your limits allow. 

Safe Words

Even the most well-made containers can come under pressure – accidents happen, and sometimes we overestimate what we can give or take. Having a safe word is a way to definitively stop play or slow it down when feeling overwhelmed. Safe words should be clear and easy to say and hear, with ‘Red’, ‘Mercy’, and ‘Pineapple’ among the most popular. And if your play involves you being gagged or restricts you from saying a safe word then ensure you have a signal. 

Skill Level

What do you know about the activity you wish to engage in? Is it something you’ve been taught or have practiced, or is your knowledge purely theoretical? Not everyone has the privilege to attend workshops or skillshares to ‘train’ in their kink of choice, but that doesn’t mean they can’t learn and practice. There are plenty of online resources to educate you in an array of basic skills. Always be open about your skill level – regardless if you are a Top or bottom; not only will it help mitigate your risks, it will also ensure you stay within your fun zone.

Safety Equipment

Many people start their kink play with some light bondage, so the best general piece of safety equipment you can have is a pair of good quality safety scissors. Whether you’re bound with stockings, rope, or fabric (Velcro) cuffs, if you need quick release your safety scissors will do the job. Regardless of the activity you’re planning, consider the risks and prepare for them. Waxplay is another common starting point, so if there are candles involved clear your space of fire hazards and have a wet towel ready to smother any ‘accidents’. 

Body Safety

Whether it’s hitting your head during rough sex, suffering from some mild rope burn, or play getting ‘too ouchy’, if you’re ready to engage in kink play, then you’re aware that there are risks to the body. Pushing our physical limits is part of the appeal, so make sure there’s a physically comfortable and soothing place to land post-play. Cool packs, cosy blankets, and hydration are always great to have ready for immediate comfort, but it’s also good to have a First Aid kit on hand, just in case.  

Aftercare

While in part about the administration of physical comfort, and the tending of any wounds, aftercare is also about completing the emotional side of the play. This is where we wind down – often with cuddles and a cuppa – and chat through the play and the outcomes, often with a tendency to express appreciation and gratitude to our partner, and discuss how we feel. Some people can feel really drained a day or so after play. If this happens to you, be gentle to yourself, rest up if you can, and know it will pass – it’s just your brain chemicals re-establishing their ‘normal’ after have some super happy fun times.

Kink presents so many new opportunities to explore intimacy and connection with others that it’s no surprise you’re ready to give it a go. And equipped with the steps outlined in this guide, we have every confidence that your first kink encounter will be a huge success, inspiring you to many more delightfully kinky times.

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