How to build your very own Sex Room

If you've tuned in to the popular new show, "How To Build A Sex Room", on Netflix you've probably had a couple of the same thoughts as me...

One: Holy moly how much money do these people have to be doing these room builds??
And two: Ohhh it's really not just about sex at all is it?

Yes, as someone who has been a sex educator for over twenty years, I know good, proper conversations about sex are never just about the ol' in-out-in-out physical action of sex, but taking my professional hat off to just sit and watch as a civi viewer, I found myself having a bunch of "ah-ha" moments that I've spent my life teaching and guiding others to have.

The thing is, sex education, sex therapy, sexual openness... All of that stuff is way more than just sex, and the more you open yourself up to it all, the more you begin to understand that the physical side of it is nothing without all the rest.

This show, and it's wonderful host, designer Melanie Rose, will not only open your mind to the myriad ways you can enhance and advance your sex life, it will also have you examining your own life and relationships for ways to become closer, more open, and, in the end, build a much stronger, more together partnership. 

While this article does centre on couples, that doesn't mean singles can't do this to their spaces as well! And it means you get to choose all the stuff you like and want to make it the perfect space to bring your guests.

Renovate Your Thinking

The first thing I think us regular people need to know before embarking on this journey is you don't need hundreds of thousands of dollars to knock out walls to build seven-person showers,  or commission custom made, heavy-duty cast iron BDSM beds, you just need the desire, some imagination, and a little bit of space (even if it's space you already use and have). Sometimes just the thought of changing something like a room or personal space can be overwhelming so it's important to scale it back to one step at a time to turn it into bite sized chunks that are far easier to manage and organise, and won't break your budget or your relationship. I mean, it's all well and good in the Netflix show with builders and designers getting all the work done for you, but if you've ever even tried to just move a couch or rearrange a room with your partner, you probably know what an emotionally charged experience that can be and one that is often not conducive at all to good communication and great sex. 

So in saying that, before you go ripping up carpet or making your own St Andrews Cross, sit down and have a conversation about what you want, what you don't want and what you think you might want but aren't really sure yet.

Have The Talk, Learn The Walk

One of the great things about this Netflix show is the host. I can't get enough of her. She's a mature English woman with a background in interior design, a cheeky streak and a potty mouth, and a knowledge of sex, sexual lifestyles, and sexual enhancers that can put even seasoned sexperts like myself to shame. The first thing she does is sit down with her clients and, no holds barred, asks them all about their sex life, while also showing them little teasing titbits from her "bag of tricks" to gauge their reactions and interactions with them. Things like handcuffs, riding crops, masks and other simple fetish items

This is what you need to do. You need to talk. I'd like to assume (I know, I know) that if you're at the stage in your relationship where you're thinking "ooh we should totally have a sex room" that you're also at the stage in your relationship where you can talk openly to each other about sex. If you're not, then I'm sorry, you're probably a few conversations away from installing a sex swing and this article isn't for you, but if you are then this is the first brick in your new room.

Think of those regular things you and your partner like to do and take it up a notch. 

You like to be spanked? Think about spanking implements or furniture. 
Like your wrists being tied? Look into shibari or other rope tying practices. 
Like a finger in your butt? Examine plugs or strap-ons.

It doesn't have to be something completely new, just the next step up from what you're used to, but with an extra twist.

It's also really important to learn about these new toys and desires, and the best place to do that is from a professional. This is something Melanie does on the show. She takes her clients to meet rope specialists or pro dommes who share tips and tricks and give instructions on the safe use of these items, and this is something you can do to.

Whether it's a trip to your local adult store to ask the salesperson for advice, or signing up to a workshop run by a professional sex worker, or even (yes it can be hit and miss) looking up instructional videos on the internet, it's super important to know what you're doing and how to do it safely for both you and your partner. It's also important to know this stuff beforehand because it could turn out that you're actually NOT into it at all, and finding that out after you've spent a bunch of money on stuff, or put D- Link hooks into your ceiling can be expensive and unnecessary. 

Appeal to the Senses

One thing this show really focuses on is feeling. Not just sexual feelings, but the sensual ones as well. The all-encompassing, holistic spirituality of sex and sexuality that is the cornerstone of healthy sexual relationships. The indulging of one's senses in all the ways, and again, you don't need to be a millionaire to achieve it.

Sight

This is possibly the most important, or at least the first sense that needs to be addressed when thinking about a sex room. It's the feeling you get when you first walk into the room. The seduction the space brings. And this can be done really easily, even in a room you use all the time for other purposes, just with a simple change of lighting.

You can buy affordable colour change light bulbs that fit into any light socket and can be controlled by an app on your phone. Soft red light, sultry purples or deep blues. They can be dimmed or brightened to your specifications and really can change the whole feel of a room with a click of your finger. Candles (especially battery operated ones) are also an excellent way to change the light and atmosphere of a room, and if you have an open fireplace I don't think I need to tell you of it's seductive properties...

Another affordable but highly effective way of changing the look and feel of a regular room is throw rugs. Soft, fluffy, gorgeous-to-touch throw rugs can be found at places like Kmart and even the Reject Shop, and are easily stored away in a cupboard (or secret chest) to be brought out for your special date nights, and don't require the knocking out of a wall or customisation of furniture that these room changes often do. 

Lay your sex toys or play items around the bed sensually and with purpose. Drape silk scarves along the bed head. Sprinkle petals if that's your deal. Have a bottle of bubbles or whatever your poison fresh and ready for when you enter. Make it feel like a vacation suite.

My advice, if you can, is to have it all set up and then go and do something else for a while so that the next time you open the door to walk in it's all ready and waiting. But you're not still sweating from wrangling the new blankets.

Sound

I think the next sense to think about is sound. It's often one we neglect in these moments until the guy next door starts whipper-snippering just as you're about to come, but it's definitely an important one to think about. Music is the first and best choice I reckon, but it does need to be conducive to your sensuality. The local radio station probably isn't the best idea, but finding a smooth, sexy beat you can both get down to and enjoy is a way to set the scene and mood and take you away to a sexy hidden hideaway...  even if it is just your spare room. Porn is another visual and aural stimulation many couples enjoy, although be careful not to get too distracted by it like I can do and end up turning your night into a movie critic night rather than a play night ("Yeah, I get that it's a porno, but why isn't that tradie wearing steel capped boots? It's a safety issue!")

Touch

Soft blankets. Fluffy pillows. Leather and latex. Smooth skin... Mmmm all of these things can be a feast for your senses of touch, and should be indulged and enjoyed as often as possible. One of Melanie Rose's favourite sensory items to show her clients is ostrich feathers and I completely agree. You can get them fairly cheaply at most haberdashery stores, and from the research I've done, most of them are ethically sourced, however I do understand some people have issues with animal products, and for those people there are plenty of alternatives in soft scarves and other fluffy items.

Mix it up a little... wear a leather corset with silk stockings... or latex pants with a fluffy bra... or whatever it is that turns you on. Being touched and touchable is what it's all about!

Smell

Just like the smell of baking bread or freshly brewed coffee can help sell a house, so too can the scents in a room turn you on or off to sex and sensuality. Sweat and old shoes or other every day smells we all produce can be not only a complete turn off, but can also remind us that we're just in our regular old room and not the indulgent sultry sex room we're trying to create. Get rid of laundry piles and the shoes you wore to the gym. Make sure the ensuite (if you have one) isn't wafting smells from anyone's past use, and put the dog in the backyard or another room for a while.

Find a scent you both really like and invest in an oil burner or infuser. They are subtle enough to have on all night without being too overpowering, and the infusers that plug in, or use sticks to distribute the scent don't use a naked flame like a burner does, so are a lot safer to have on while you're distracted doing other things.

Use lotions and creams you know your partner likes the smell of. Make sure your teeth are clean and your breath is fresh, and never underestimate the power and effect your own scent and pheromones have over your partner. It's pure science, and it's the best and cheapest scent you can ever wear. 

Taste

You don't have to go drizzling yourself with honey or anything like that. In fact, sometimes just being freshly clean and washed and smelling like your favourite shampoo can be enough for your lover to want to eat you up, but if you are into the whole food and wine thing make it a special occasion and really go to town. Strawberries in fizzy wine. Dark chocolate and single malt whisky. Set up a platter. Use the fancy glasses. Pretend you're in the penthouse suite at a ritzy hotel. It doesn't matter if it's $4 Aldi wine and some m&ms.... Put it in a champagne flute and a fancy little dish and suddenly you're a movie star at a high class event.

It's the little things... But they really can make a difference

Without sounding like a complete and utter wanker (I know I totally will) the thing you will learn in this process is it's definitely not about the sex, but about the loving and connection we found along the way... (ugh, I knew I'd sound like a wanker)... But it's true! 

The process of creating a sexy and sensual place made specifically for you and your partner and your desires, wants and needs will bring you so much closer together. The education and experiences you'll achieve together. The learning about each other's stuff. The laughter. The experimentation. Even the cringe. Yeah, this is definitely more than a renovation show... It could even change your life.

Equipment, Props, and Hidden Things

Like I've said before, you don't need a million dollars to design and kit out a special place for your sexy time adventures, but there are a few things you may find not only useful to have around, but also easy to hide away or keep secret from prying eyes, until you need them.

Firstly there's the sex toys. I recommend all toy boxes should contain at least a few of the following: a good vibrator, a clit vibe or air-wave/suction toy, a butt plug, and a cock ring. These are all fairly basic and mostly affordable, and absolutely enhance even the most vanilla of playtimes. I recommend the Fun Factory range for vibrators and Satisfyer for the suction styles.

I honestly think, especially for those of us on a budget, the biggest and best item you can buy to create your own sex room is a lovely, ornate, lockable chest. Something subtle but elegant that can fit all your stuff inside neatly and discreetly away from the prying eyes of children or housemates, that can be brought out and added to when needed, and tucked neatly away at the end of your bed or somewhere... And that doesn't require a contractor or interior designer to install.

BDSM gear: This stuff can be anything from silk rope and fluffy cuffs, or nipple clamps and a riding crop, to violet wands (for electro play) and inversion tables, and anything in between you may like to experiment with. Just starting off with some paddles and rope is a fun way to see if you want to explore further, and almost all of these items are small and subtle and can be hidden away in your stash box for special occasions. 

Furniture for Fucking: Some of this stuff can be a little big. Inversion tables and St Andrews crosses for example, or sex lounges and wedge chairs, but they can also be disguised and hidden in plain sight with a little creativity and some carefully placed cloths or draped materials. Sportsheets are an excellent secret way to indulge those tie-me-up-tie-me-down fantasies, and DLinks in the ceiling for sex swings and shibari can be used to hang other things while not being used for debauchery, and don't forget there are heaps of over the door type slings and swings.

Whatever your kinks, whatever your budget, and whatever the space you have, you really can turn any space into the most wonderfully, decadent sex room for you and your lover to enjoy.

With Christmas around the corner it’s the perfect time to chat with your partner and start putting your Christmas Wish List together. Here are our top suggestions:

Door Jam Sex Sling
Liberator Wedge
Liberator Throw
Scent Massage Candle
Edible Massage Oil
Supersex Orgasm Gel
 

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