Some Words for the Lower Desire Partner

Jacqueline Hellyer, Australian relationship coach, smiling at the camera alongside her website logo

Article originally posted on The Love Life Blog

Whether you feel bad about it or good about it, if you’re the lower desire partner (LDP) you have a major impact on how often and how well the two of you have sex. So I’m going to have a few words to say to each gender about this topic. I get around equal numbers of couples where the man has the lower level of desire, so it’s not just “a problem that women have”.

So guys, let’s start with you. If you’re not feeling it, there are some main reasons:

  • It’s easier to just masturbate in front of porn. True, but the experience is not the same. Saying “Yes!” to sex with your partner is saying “Yes!” to love and connection and intimacy and a very happy partner!
  • If she’s too overbearing, always complaining about the lack of sex. Well, she’s got a point! She’s crying out for intimate connection, so focus on doing good stuff together so that you actually want to be with her.
  • Even if she has a higher desire, she never initiates so why should you? Because you’re a man, damn it! You’ve got the fire energy, so use it! She needs your desire to get her going. The more you show your desire, the more likely she’ll initiate more.
  • If you don’t feel good about yourself, don’t take it out on your partner. Get fit, change jobs, give up smoking, take responsibility for your life, and start ravishing her!

Now for the ladies. Why should you say “Yes!” to sex?

  • It feels good!
  • Your partner will feel closer to you. Men love to connect sexually with their partner.
  • You’ll become more in tune with each other, so he’ll get better at asking at the right times, and he’ll get better at doing what you need to get to “Yes!”
  • Good regular sex makes you look and feel younger, more vibrant, more vital and sexier. It’s a positive feedback loop.

My BeforePlay ebook has heaps of good ideas about getting in the mood, but that amounts to little if the sex is itself is dull.

So to LDPs of both sexes I say:

If sex is just too boring to be bothered you need to make some changes. Sex is most definitely not meant to be boring!

We haven’t been blessed with enormous brains as well as bodies riddled with pleasure receptors in order to have boring sex!

Sex is meant to be creative and playful and pleasurable and ever-changing and satisfying.

1 comment

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  • FiftyOneShades


    More than a month ago

    Is it just me, or are you a lot tougher on the men than you are on the ladies?

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