When Good Toys Make Great Sex

I took contraband through customs recently. (Well, they tried.) An inspector riffled through my bag and produced a giant porcelain dildo with a soft “aahh”.

He held it up triumphantly for all to see. “What is this?” he asked in a stern voice.

‘Safe sex,” I replied, glaring with indignation. The people in the queue sniggered (and it wasn’t at me).

The inspector hurriedly replaced the toy in my bag and shoved it at me, beckoning me onwards, refusing to meet my eye.

What I said was absolutely true. Toys are actually the safest sex (and in more ways than one).

If we aren’t using toys, we are often eating cakes without the icing. That means orgasms. Big ones.

Some of us can’t get our rocks off without moving rocks. Others seem to have squirting down-pat (who would have thought there would be no taste or smell!) but even they appreciate the little g-spot stimulators able to excite them “just so”.

However, for us mere mortals who still need trusty clitoral stimulation when we orgasm; a solution is needed. Any man able to pound the both of us is truly gifted; but often lacks endurance and/or a paper-thin hand.

(We may also our own finger/s, but the angle is often difficult and once again the hand seems to get in the way).

So there are a range of toys out there that stimulates clits at the same time as our partner fucks us. They are relatively inexpensive and are just about guaranteed to have you initiating sex, not him.

I speak not of porcelain dildos, but of cock rings with clit ticklers attached. Mushy-rubbery coloured things that plant a little vibrator square on your you-know-what. Every time he thrusts, we beg him to do it again. (They should issue them at marriage ceremonies).

But not every mushy-rubbery thing is created equal – make sure you check out the battery arrangements first. Some little beauties think removing tiny watch batteries is a cheap alternative to stop and go buttons.

Others are so hard you end up with bruises in places that make it impossible wear tight trousers with seams ever again. (Believe me, I’ve been there).

The best ones have a tiny silver vibrator (about the size of your little finger) encased in a soft silicon animal of some description and incorporating a stretchy ring able to be placed around his cock and/or testicles. (The silver vibrator may also be removed and used in places such as the seam of his balls).

The bonus is the ring also keeps the skin of his cock/balls taut, thus making it/them more sensitive. (Try it - you’ll see. Hold the base of his cock and the skin down next time you give head. Tight-skin forces sensitive blood vessels outwards.)

We all know if we become better at what we do, we enjoy it more. Men like women who like sex. Women in gyms spend hours each week on stationery bikes, why not ride our partners instead? It expends more kilojoules and he will love you for it.

Taking control of sex lives and learning, negotiating, and pleasing are rather nice things to do - besides, it might be the most empowering thing you ever did.

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