Average Jo’s Guide to getting his end wet

There she is. Sitting over by the bar surrounded by friends and laughing merrily at some joke that stupid jock on her left told her.

Imagine it. Her lying in your bed, damp hair askew and begging you to fuck her again.

Sounds more fairy tale than fantasy, doesn’t it?

Not any more.

Most sales people understand that ‘cold calling’ reaps the least results. In fact, a ‘cold call’ will often result in a slammed phone, face slapped or even total ostracism.

Yet that is how most blokes try and pick up chicks. (Asking to buy her a drink is not exactly like trying to sell a vacuum cleaner but it still amounts to a stranger in your face).

The trick is to do what the sales people do and try and locate ‘warm’ prospects or even ‘champions’. This does not usually happen in bars (unless you happen to look like Brad Pitt).

Rather, it happens on grounds of commonality. That means you publicly agree on something and preferably in front of witnesses.

For example, an introduction by a mutual friend or a face across a dinner party table is far more likely to yield results than poking a cute chick on Facebook. We tend to trust our friends and therefore we often extend that trust to the friends of our friends. (If you stay off the booze you might even be able to offer her a lift home.)

Likewise the women who hang around whatever hobby you are into – even if it’s motor cross or ten-pin bowling, there are still plenty of women who admire the activity (and are already predisposed to someone who engages in it). Try getting them into a passionate discussion about whatever the hobby/sport/pastime is then offer to discuss it further over a coffee or drinks. Just make sure the venue is within walking distance of one of your homes and she knows you love comparing trophies.

Better still, why not get some jocks to do the hard work for you? Scan the entertainment guides for erotic shows by men for women and then go and hang out in the bar afterwards (not literally) – there are always a plethora of tipsy, horny girls who probably don’t realise half the strippers were gay.

But whatever you do, don’t offer love straight up. Women fuck for intimacy and men fuck for sex. For her, ‘sex’ often means spooning, cuddling, kissing, murmuring, holding and caressing. For you, sex often means nailing, ploughing, rooting and thrusting. That means putting your proposition in a language she’ll relate to.

You will have much better ‘luck with the ladies’ if you suggest what she needs before moving to what you need. Offer her a foot massage or a candlelit picnic by the ocean. Read her poetry or song lyrics from the internet. These things might sound silly to men, but they will have women swooning and hoping for more.

If you can, try and ensure the activity involves some kind of non-sexual touching. That way, she will learn the feel of you before commitment (and besides, trust is always earnt, and never given).

Above all, read her body language before she speaks the words. If she starts to look even slightly uncomfortable, stop immediately, apologise profusely and tell her you have stepped beyond your own boundaries (rather than hers). That way, she will see you as a ‘like mind’ and be prepared to go further next time.

Good luck (you may no longer need it).

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