Let’s talk about having sex on the first date

Woman wearing sexy black lingerie stands in front of her partner

Modern dating culture has evolved – and I love it. Now that online adult dating is an acceptable way to meet people, my friends and I spend our time together sharing our weekend escapades and critiquing each other’s profiles. We’re lucky to live in a country that’s more openminded, adventurous and sex-positive than ever before. 

So, when I write about hook-ups, it feels obvious to say, “It’s okay to have sex on the first date.” We no longer think that sex outside marriage is wrong. Surely everyone understands that this stuff isn’t something we need to be ashamed of, and that indulging our urges is perfectly normal?

Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Even when it seems obvious, our outdated social standards can still get in the way of our sex lives. 

I remember bringing someone home who said, “I don’t normally do this. I don’t want you to think I’m a player.” And I have friends who ask me, “What if the guy I’m seeing thinks I’m not good enough for a serious relationship, because I had sex with him too soon?” It seems that even when we know what we want, we still worry about being judged. Even though many of us are hooking up regularly, we’re not as progressive as we like to think.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages to waiting to have sex. Here are a few of my reasons:

  • Sometimes I’m looking for a more emotional connection. Connected sex sometimes means taking some time to get to know someone – and when I do put that effort in, I often find that the sex is better.
  • Waiting to take someone home means I have more of an opportunity to work out whether they’re an asshole. People often don’t show their true colours until the second or third date!
  • I value good company and friendship – and I like to shag people who won’t ghost me the next day. Hanging out with a date a few times before we sleep together allows me to make sure that they want the same. If they expect sex but don’t want to be friends, I can politely end things before all the effort of getting naked.

But having sex sooner is can also be a great idea:

  • It allows me to work out whether we’re sexually compatible. This can save a lot of wasted time pursuing someone who isn’t right.
  • Sometimes I just want to get laid, without seeing that person again. There’s nothing wrong with a one-night stand, if you’re being honest.
  • Instant gratification can be fun. It’s seen as a vice, but it’s not – we all have a right to enjoy ourselves, as long as we’re treating our partners with respect.
  • It won’t make a difference to your long-term relationship prospects…unless your date has a bad attitude. A one-night stand is just as likely to lead to a relationship as any other sort of meeting, if you’re right for each other. Anyone who rejects you as a partner simply because you slept with them too ‘quickly’ is sex-negative and should probably be avoided!

There’s no ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ about fucking on the first date. Sex isn’t a moral issue; it’s personal. The difficult decision is working out what’s right for you. Ask yourself:

“How am I feeling about this person? Is there a connection?”

“Do I feel safe? Or do I feel pressured?”

“Do I prefer instant gratification, or a slow build-up?”

“Has sex on the first date worked for me in the past?”

There’s no rule, and nobody should be judged for their choices. Want to jump into bed with a hottie you just met? Go for it. Prefer to wait and don’t want to be pressured? That’s okay too. The sooner we accept everyone’s individual choices, the sooner we can get on with getting it on, without worrying about whether we’re doing the ‘right’ thing. 

It’s okay to have sex on the first date – if you want. But above all, you need to make the decision for yourself.

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16 comments

  • Unmoderated

    Unmoderated

    More than a month ago

    Sex doesn't necessarily need to be on the first date, but for me there needs to be at least some kind of action early, even if it's just to kiss/make out or whatever, it's a way to gauge chemistry.

    Also this point is bang on -
    "It allows me to work out whether we’re sexually compatible. This can save a lot of wasted time pursuing someone who isn’t right."

    Reply
  • ynot70today

    ynot70today

    More than a month ago

    I usualy date at a coffee shop in a good place but most of the time i get taken down the track of sex on first dates and makes me feel like a big slut and sometimes i just cant help I do feel bad about it but its become such a bad habit or sex on first dates....I give them what they want x Tanya x

    Reply
  • Darkstud

    Darkstud

    More than a month ago

    Nice article. I usually ask for a coffee out at a place convenient to the female. Once we have a chat and a few laughs, if there is a chemistry and attraction, I take the lead and ask if we could meet up in a more private place. When we meet up privately, I encourage the female if she would be interested in a massage and slowly take it from there.

    Reply
  • 1966Rani

    1966Rani

    More than a month ago

    Great article and right on the money, my wife and I got together on a one night stand and married now 14 years, sex is still great. The positive is that I know she still likes to have a one night fling if she is on the mood, it is in her personality. I completely support her need, so if anyone has doubts you can have a one night fling and still have a great long term relationship, doubt no more.

    Reply
  • Ifuwannadome

    Ifuwannadome

    More than a month ago

    Always have if theres a connection its no big deal

    Reply
  • MissThatTouch

    MissThatTouch

    More than a month ago

    I'll never forget what a man said to me, the first time I was in this situation of being intimate on the first date, and I too had thoughts of “I don’t normally do this. I don’t want you to think....” etc, I was judging myself as well as thinking he might judge me for it...
    he said "its simple, we're two mature, consenting adults who know what we want - and we're not hurting anyone. Its just you, and me". That really struck me (plus his reassurance was a further turn-on), and has stayed with me ever since.

    • SweetestSins

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      I love that! Sounds like a great guy xx

    Reply
  • friskypuz

    friskypuz

    More than a month ago

    If there is a connection and you have the time, why not..
    My parents tried to tell me sex before marriage was wrong, that mastibation was wrong.. But I didn't believe them, and still don't.
    My sex life is so much better as l have gotten older as I know what I want and how I want it.. And with who..
    Not wanting a deep and meaningful relationship just bloody good sex

    • DDdelite

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Sing it sister! Agreed?

    • BBWmature

      BBWmature

      More than a month ago

      FOR SURE!

    • Areyoukinky2

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      I'm the same. I just want a casual kinky relationship or a few with whoever I choose to be in my bed. I'm 70 years young next month and I also have stable brain cancer., which doesn't stop me from having lots of fun with a few men who are on the Adult Match Maker site. I'm very happy with my life at the moment.

    Reply
  • Candygirl20

    Candygirl20

    More than a month ago

    Agree with your article. The ball is in our court. If we want it we can get it. Past upbringing and society's moral stand has prevented me from freely expressing myself sexually. Now in my mature years I feel guilt free to explore.

    • BareNakedLady19

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      I love that you've said that - it's raw and honest. Thanks.
      I'm also really happy for you!

    Reply
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