Why don't we share our sex secrets?
Everyone has secrets! But do you or your partner have sex secrets? Apparently we all have about 13 secrets and researchers have found that the most common are sexual in nature. Keeping secrets can have consequences because our minds tend to worry about them which can reduce our relationship satisfaction by literally sapping attention and energy from the relationship itself. And often not sharing can increase our guilt and shame more than revealing it would. So we looked at a recent research study published in Sexuality & Culture to find out what sex secrets we hide from our partners, why we don’t want to share, and how gender influences our choices.
The goals of this small study were to identify the degree to which a sample of 195 mostly heterosexual undergraduates kept or revealed a sex secret from a current or recent partner, the reaction of the partner, and the outcome for the relationship.
Relationship experts will tell us that both vulnerability and honesty are critical in successful relationships, so what holds us back? Well it turns out that over a third of the study participants said they were keeping something from their current or recent partner and gender plays a big role in what we don’t want to share and why.
- Women kept secrets because they thought their partners would not understand.
- Men kept secrets because they thought their partner would disapprove of their behaviour.
Other reasons included fearing their partner would divulge their secret to others, being ashamed, and worrying that it would end the relationship.
Women are reluctant to share secrets involving:
- A history of sexual victimisation
- Emotionally cheating on a partner
- An interest in BDSM
- Pornography
- Sex toy use
Men are reluctant to share secrets involving:
- Pornography
- Having a threesome
- Emotionally cheating on a partner
Whilst disclosing sex secrets to a new or casual sexual partner is not unexpected, it turns out that even in long term relationships partners don’t always reveal everything. Perhaps you cheated on a partner, you enjoy public sex at swingers parties, you participated in a gang bang … more than once, or you have a specific fetish or kink. For some the option to reveal a sex secret to a partner is a “no, never” situation, some will agonise endlessly over it (resulting in increased cortisol, stress and anxiety) and for others it’s only a minor issue.
Keeping a sex secret impacts the balance of trust within any relationship, while also having the potential to influence future relationships, whether romantic or sexual. This study found that 11% of the participants felt that keeping sex secrets impacted negatively on forming relationships. It also found keeping sex secrets was related to lower relationship satisfaction.
And are there consequences if your partner finds out you’ve kept sex secrets from them? Yes but only a small percentage got a negative response or resulted in the relationship ending. 55% of study participants said that they had revealed secrets to a partner at some point in the past and that most resulted in a positive outcome with their partner appreciating their honesty in finally opening up.
We need to keep in mind that the study involved college students more focused on hook ups than long term relationships, so a different age demographic would possibly have resulted in different results. For example older individuals brought up in an era where sexual behaviour and desires were not discussed as freely might find it difficult to be open and honest. But as a lot of Adult Match Maker members are on the site to hook up perhaps the study is relevant for our members. So, have you hidden sex secrets from current or past partners and do you advise opening up and sharing them?
16 comments
Latexlusty
More than a month agoI'm a straight guy to clarify my stance from the very beginning. I consider myself being kinky and playful, I have a few fetishes and preferences, for example, I wear thongs and G-strings undergarments specifically for men. I enjoy a day on the beach wearing G-string/thong swim bottoms for I look and feel good while I get that desired sexy thong tanline.
However my biggest passion is Latex, so I'm a "rubberist". I indulge in every sense latex offers me, from it's distinct smell and sounds when touching something, for the way it feels like a second skin on me as it wraps around my body enhancing my appearance, it's vibrant glow is an absolute eye candy.
I told a female friend of mine who had an interest in me in the past about my "secret" and she commented that I'm gay. That fired me up like nothing else. Not that I have a problem with gay men, good for them and their choices, I guess they have it better than a straight man when it comes down to the acceptance of certain things as I've described previously. I don't know if she was joking with me at that moment to see how I'd react, but it seems that the general society has a way of looking down on straight men and their criticism is totally unacceptable. Why label people negatively, where's the benefit of doing so?
Such is the reason why I'm trying not to get myself introduced too fast, which it drives me insane because I'm pretty simple honest man proud to be who I am without any fake personas. I just wish things were different.
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ReplyAMM.Editor
More than a month agoThat's a really interesting comment about your latex for your friend to have made. I wonder what prompted her to even think it. I have an article in the works from Eva which talks about the gender bias with certain things, eg. bisexuality, casual sex. I might add this to the list.
Latexlusty
More than a month agoFeel free to do so.
FunforPassion
More than a month agoJust recently and only occasionally for obvious reasons , I've been experimenting with certain illicit substances to enhance my sexual arousal, experience and maintain excitement and stamina. I have found the few experiences absolutely bliss. I try to be as honest about this and I u destiny its a deal breaker, that's ok....I just hate being judged into the same box as a thieving drug addict...lol...like I can tell certain dates won't trust me ....and I find that really insulting I want to disclose it so any potent partner is not put in a uncomfortable situation. Im responsible, professional and have to let this phase run its course.....re-emerged recently from a selfless dryspell that lasted the best part of a decade. Any opinions? Helpful tips. Dnt need anymore judgements
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ReplyLatexlusty
More than a month agoI'd say anyone who is genuinely interested to be with you, should be compassionate and try to see things from your perspective. Nobody should judge anyone. It's your choice to either intake substances or not, as long as you keep it under control you'll be fine.
Blueheeler.74
More than a month agoI tend to agree with Trukit some partners just are capable of open-mindedness. It's a tricky one as a lot of blokes don't acknowledge or understand their kinks and thoughts and feel guilt at first it takes a mature mind to understand its normal and ok but sometimes they stay loyal to their partners who are just vanilla. I find it hard and definitely fearful if I now communicate what I know now it will mean rejection and separation it's great that
ReplyMost couples from here are "enlightened" but so hard not to feel judged because one partner likes vanilla and the other craves good old hokey poker!
Stefan1986
More than a month agoThe awful truth.
ReplyBBQRibs
More than a month agoI agree with the experts
ReplyI also seen a show saying, humans are not meant to just have sex with a lifetime partner, society influences that.
I think if your in a relationship, love, trust your partner, communication is the key, as we know as we age, sex could be less important or sex issues.
I think if truuely loved your partner you would want them be sexually happy, so think a good thing swinging or private 3sum, as both can enjoy and both go home together.
If a women was not into that fine as well. Each to there own
I hope someday even if 52yrs old find that open loyal partner.
phoenix1323
More than a month agoI understand why some keep secrets, but for myself, there’s no point. Being as open as you can, especially with your partner/s is important. Trust is important. Without it, then why are you with them?
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ReplyFuckudeep129
More than a month agoWell said, i agree
Latexlusty
More than a month agoI'm with you all the way.
Ifuwannadome
More than a month ago
Reply'i was honest with my guy when i met him, hardly did i know he was on the site i was, reading my public convos. Sooooooooooo funny could hardly deny the chats lol
Trukkit
More than a month agoSome secrets are best kept secret , my honesty about having a thing for passable fem cd has left me separated because that was too weird for her .
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Replybadthoughts63
More than a month agoPassable sexy CD are hot
triXXXi66
More than a month agoNow that you are separated, you have the opportunity to experiment and go with the flow of your own desires without having to rein them in because of judgement from someone else.
Account Closed
More than a month agogood for you live your live , you want to be accepted for who you are. If you like that, explore it.
I wish that i could be a crossdresser all the time but i have to go to a judgemental job where it would be totally unacceptable so i hide Loretta. A passable CD is Hot. best of both worlds . Enjoy .