When first starting out with your kink play, you will open a whole new world of excitement and experiences. It’s not unusual for new kinksters to get a little over excited. But some people can become like the proverbial ‘kid in the candy store’ – running amok, grabbing everything they can, and shoving it all in their mouth before they even know what they’re eating… And inevitably puking all over the place.

If you find yourself rushing into play without considering your boundaries, playing with people you haven’t vetted, or just can’t find joy in activities you generally enjoy, then you might be feeling the effects of sub frenzy (sometimes referred to as BDSM frenzy).

What is sub frenzy?

In a kink/BDSM sense, frenzy is a term generally applied to new kinksters, and particularly submissives, but the reality is frenzy can affect any player regardless of role or experience level. Characterised by wild excitement, heightened emotions, and almost manic activity, frenzy is an intense drive to action that effects our ability to reason and stops us thinking through consequences. During a time of frenzy, the player is so excited to engage in play that they will sometimes do whatever it takes, even if this means pushing their usual boundaries to the side, or playing with someone they don’t even know.

In a state of frenzy you want it and want it NOW.  The floodgates of fantasy have been opened, and in seeing the potential for all the play you can partake in, there’s a feeling that you have to do ALL OF THE THINGS immediately, with anyone who’s keen. Overwhelmed by all the options, frenzied players engage in too much play, overly intense play, and rush their aftercare and the vetting of play partners.

Why does sub frenzy happen?

There are several reasons a player might succumb to frenzy; some of them come down to individual personality traits; some of them are neurochemical.

When you’re new to something it’s normal to want a self-descriptor or a label or role to establish you within the community or group. However, some people will rush to establish a role in this newfound scene, without having explored enough to know if that is indeed a role they fit and enjoy. Essentially this can also be a type of frenzy, so if you ever feel like you’re forcing a label on yourself to suit other people or to feel like you belong, you are probably experiencing low-grade frenzy. When new to kink play, and unsure about your play preferences, there are some vague terms you can use to self-identify as kinky without having to keep yourself or your play in a particular role. Terms like kinkster, fetishist, or hedonist are good general starting points.

Taking on definitive roles like submissive, dominant, sadist or masochist can lead you to think you’ve something to prove. And whether that pressure is from yourself or others, the pressure to prove we’re worthy of our role is real, and can be a definite trigger for a frenzy. Wanting to show that you are indeed what you claim to be can lead people to engage in too much play or unsafe play, both of which are signs of player frenzy.

It’s also important to keep in mind the neurochemicals we release when we engage in a great scene. It’s a high. Literally. There are a number of important hormones and neurotransmitters released when we get kinky, including adrenaline, dopamine, cortisol and serotonin and these neurochemicals alter our brains. They give us the extreme high and energised sensitivity we get when we play, but when they recede we can be left lethargic and flat. It’s not uncommon for people to want to chase that high, and this is another time when frenzy could kick in. Wanting to replicate that great feeling, people will play harder, or longer, or play with the first person that offers, while disregarding negotiation, risk management, or aftercare. 

It’s also important to note that experienced players can also succumb to frenzy, particularly when starting a new relationship or dynamic, or finding a new kink they enjoy. There can be pressure to try and prove one’s worth when playing with new partners or to rush yourself to be something you perceive your new partner may want. Sometimes break ups can also exacerbate frenzy – feeling alone or desperate for missed attention can lead people to jump into scenes they may not be ready or keen for. Wanting connection is normal, but it can lead to the poor decision making characterised by frenzy.

What are the risks of sub frenzy?

The main risk with frenzy is that you won’t see the risks. It’s a state of rose-coloured glasses in which red flags are totally overlooked. The headspace gives an overwhelming sense of feeling in tune with yourself. And you can want things so badly, you’ll do anything.

Without risk consideration, chances are you will make some poor decisions. Perhaps you’ll push your boundaries further than you normally would. You might physically and/or emotionally exhaust yourself in pursuit of play or relationships, and be unable to focus on the everyday life you’ve created. Maybe you will go on a shopping spree to fill your closet or toy box with your new passion and make financial choices that are thrilling at the time, but not viable for your bottom line. It could be that you’re having invasive and obsessive thoughts, and are unable to concentrate on anything other than your kink.

The other risk with a frenzied player is total burn-out – they play so hard and fast and consistently that they get to a point where there is nothing left to give, and no matter how hard they play they can’t get that high they’re wanting. This is certainly not uncommon, and is a big reason people will step away from the BDSM/kink scene. But rarely does this happen without some ‘breaking point’ where a hurt is experienced – be it physical or emotional.

How do you avoid sub frenzy?

Learning to recognise the signs of frenzy, for yourself and those you might play with is one of the best ways to avoid it, or at the very least, mitigate any risks. Always try to be mindful and self-aware when considering your play options, and keep to your established boundaries. This can be tricky when you’re feeling pulled toward a person or play scenario, so make sure your friends or support system have an idea of your comfort zone, and are willing to kindly call you out if you’re overstepping.

Always remember there is no rush. Sure, FOMO is legit and can hit us at various times in our life, but the kink scene, fetishes, and BDSM are not going anywhere. Even though it might feel like you’re going to miss a great opportunity if you don’t DO THE THING NOW, it’s always better long term to DO THE THING when you’re comfortable and sure of yourself, and able to play with someone you’ve built trust and rapport with. 

We have the best kink experiences when we honour our bodies, emotions, and partners. If you can keep a level head and make choices that align with your likes and limits, there’s an excellent chance that you can avoid the frenzy headspace, and play in a safe, fun, and consciously consensual way.

So forget the FOMO and avoid the frenzy - just take your time. Allow yourself to learn and evolve. Be honest with yourself and your play partners and the kink will come to you. 

3 comments

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• 

  BloodSlut

  More than a month ago

  This..so much this. Wish someone had told me this when I came into the community.
  
  Thankfully I’m now more aware and can see when someone is in the throes of frenzy & it gives me the chance to gently guide them.
  
  Thank you again for a very important lesson that everyone should read not just newbies.

  Reply
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  Blue262

  More than a month ago

  I feel like my temperament isn't suited to BDSM. It always seems contrived, obsessed with props and lingo and everyone i chat with about it wants to tell but has zero questions. Being a conversational one-way street doesn't make people feel safe or valued.
  Couples get up to all sorts of things without having to read wall-of-text manuals. Then there are the dull types for whom BDSM is the most interesting thing about them. Seems like the frenzy might call people who haven't done much else that's adventurous.

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  JackTheBottom

  More than a month ago

  I have been involved with BDSM for many years. This is a very good article with good insights and good advice.

  Reply