How can I be more confident in the bedroom?

Attractive blonde woman drawing a love heart on the mirror with pink lipstick

Dear Amie, Help! I’m just not very confident in the bedroom. I’ve never had any complaints but the more I read, the more I worry about stupid things like whether I’m good at oral sex and whether my pussy is tight enough. I’m even self-conscious about my weight (I’m a size 12) so I only feel comfortable with the lights off. How can I stop this inner voice because it’s taking away the sexiness of having casual sex as I’m starting to worry about stuff instead of enjoying it?

Firstly, I guarantee you that losing a few kilos and having a pussy tighter than a freshly sharpened guillotine is not the key to making you feel like a sex goddess.

It’s a cliché, but your body is perfect the way it is but I’m not surprised you feel like this. As women, we are bombarded daily with hundreds of subliminal messages in the form of ads and magazines that tell us we aren’t hot or sexy enough. Sometimes these messages are even disguised in the form of “women’s magazines” and hot ass Instagram influencers, who try and sell us all manner of shit to better ourselves – from weight loss shakes and slimming teas, to makeup, clothes, swollen lips, hair extensions, veneers… it’s relentless and I feel for you.

You need to learn to recognise this shit is just body-shaming cultural crap and it’s not actually going to make you feel more empowered – only you can do that (and it doesn’t cost money!).

When it comes down to it, sex really should just be about enjoying yourself. You’ve gotten yourself into a trap where sex isn’t about pleasure – it’s you trying to reach some invisible unachievable standard that you’ve set for yourself. I have total faith that you give world class head and that your pussy is worthy of a trophy.

You need to spend some time looking inward first. It really is about learning to love yourself. Buy yourself some badass lingerie that makes you feel like a horny sexual Queen. Don’t think about who’s going to see it when you buy it or what they’re going to think. Learn what YOU like, what feels good for YOUR body and what YOU want to explore, because it sounds like a lot of your head space goes towards matching the other person’s expectation (when you’ll probably find, they’re just grateful to be naked with you).

If you’ve been having sex with people who make you feel like you’re not enough or who make negative comments about your body, fuck them right off. Being with you is a privilege and there are plenty of other fish (who aren’t dickheads) in the sea (and on Adult Match Maker).  

On the note of turning the lights off during sex – I can understand the appeal of a blackout hiding your perceived flaws, but the reality is that sex without the lights on isn’t as fun. Just know that glaring fluorescent lights aren’t flattering on anyone’s body of any size. Compromise by ditching the harsh lighting and going for a more sensual vibe with lamps and candles, which will create softer and more flattering mood lighting.

Don’t let some of the best orgasms of your life slip away by letting your anxiety take over and cock block you. Life’s too short for that shit. Spend some time nurturing and embracing your number one girl – you.  

11 comments

  • 77pandyandy Photo

    77pandyandy

    More than a month ago

    Before the bedroom-
    The confidence that some men have naturally, that some men learn to harness,and that some men never achieve , starts before you have even met your lady.
    Decisiveness-
    Simply listening intently to a question that may be asked by others, and answering in a reasonable time, without hesitation, clearly, and to the point, will be noticed. If not consciously, a feeling of "he has that all sorted" will be the trust, and security that is built on. Both men and women respond in a similar fashion.
    Language is important-
    Without writing a novel, which if let loose I would, simply thinking about your instead of marking time with...um... Not sure what do you think. Answering a question like would you like for lunch?? I'd like a blt and a coke, thank you. The flow on effects can change your life. There are so many subtle changes you can make to achieve confidence level you would have not thought possible.

    Reply
  • Account closed

    sexintheday

    More than a month ago

    The thing that turns a guy on most is a gal who is really enjoying the sex, that makes HIM feel like a stud, and if u are enjoying it then u will more likely go out of your way to make sure HE enjoys it. Sure if you have to pick up a guy up when u are in a room full of gorgeous girls then looks are important but with a size 12 bod you are right up there at the front anyway. I wish l was still a size 12.

    Reply
  • ispywithmy

    ispywithmy

    More than a month ago

    Can I make a suggestion to the author for a piece to do? How do single guys stand out on this site when they don’t have the body for Instagram or the appendage of a porn star?

    • AMM.Editor Photo

      AMM.Editor

      More than a month ago

      There are at least 8 articles in the Singles & Dating section with hints from everything from profile photos to how to approach women online. You need to make your profile stand out.

      Just a hint though, you have no public photos only private photos. Many women would assume the only photos you have are dick pics. Put some photos in your public gallery to show your personality and what kind of things you're interested it. Even though this is a hook up site women want to have an emotional connection with someone they would like to get to know. It is obviously a numbers game so make your profile stand out from the rest.

    • ispywithmy

      ispywithmy

      More than a month ago

      Lol it was a rhetorical statement question. The point is that it is very hard for a single guy to stand out on this site. There are many women that believe that they’re sapiosexual, when they’re not. Looks make up a huge part of someone’s choice.
      I have private photos as many moons ago someone made a fake profile of me. There are simply too many guys on this site. I guess if I left, it would make it that little easier for other guys as women wouldn’t be receiving any junk mail from me.
      Anyway, just venting.

    • prettyg123 Photo

      prettyg123

      More than a month ago

      I agree with the author. Too many dick pics. Some face pics will make a difference. Because girls are inundated with dick pics on this site. Almost everyone.

    Reply
  • riggamortice Photo

    riggamortice

    More than a month ago

    I think it’s important to note that this is not a female only problem
    I have always been a little shy so I was criticised because I couldn’t perform in a crowd even though I love being in that situation
    Now unless I am very comfortable with someone it’s a no go
    Now I try to please me and there is improvement

    Reply
  • Steve0112

    Steve0112

    More than a month ago

    For what is worth you are just as important as your partner so back yourself...enthusiasm and mutual pleasure are things that will have you both coming back for more...fine tune what you like and mix things up when you feel like it...stop thinking about your body...just enjoy ??

    Reply
  • MsShazza94 Photo

    MsShazza94

    More than a month ago

    I am short and chubby and well over 40 and I feel like a sex goddess most days. The idea of finding out who you are and what you like were the key for me. I think more about what a man can do for me than what I can do for them. Haha. As mentioned in the article most guys are grateful you are naked with them ??. When you feel good about yourself you have so much more to give.

    Shazz

    Reply
  • Ifuwannadome Photo

    Ifuwannadome

    More than a month ago

    Totally agree to many women feel like this........remember no man is prrfect either..even though some think there gods gift to women lol

    Love yourelf ladies

    Reply
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