Let’s Bust Some Myths About Submission

There is a lot of mythology and outright bullshit surrounding submission, even though the practice is growing, both in the bedroom and as a lifestyle. Many of the myths surrounding submission can be damaging, not only to those who practice, but for those who may be curious. So let’s get to some of the truths, and bust some myths about submission.

Submissives are always female

…and Dominants are always men?! Nope. One of the reasons we see so few men identifying as submissives, is that the obvious submissive traits - giving, obedient, eager to please - are seen as ‘feminine’. Men have just as much predilection to submission as women; they just have a harder time acting on it due to both the lingering ‘taboo’ of kink itself, and the societal idea of how ‘A Man’ should behave. 

Submissives don’t have any control over their situation

The fact is that most submissives have more control over their situation than a person in a non-kink relationship due to the prevalence of negotiated consent in submissive/Dominant (D/s) dynamics. Not only are any potential activities discussed between a sub and their Dom, but both must consent to the activity, and STOP the activity if either party uses a safe word. 

In a well-functioning D/s dynamic, neither party has ultimate control - power is given and received in a way that will be mutually beneficial.

Submissives have mental issues

Rather than being mentally weaker, there is some research that suggests people who identify as submissive are less neurotic than both the general population, and the Dominant identifying kinksters. Subs also tend to score higher with self-esteem and sociability. 

The myth of the ‘mental issue’ is not reserved for submissives. It’s only five years ago that any person indulging in ‘abnormal sexual desires involving extreme or dangerous activities’ could be considered to have ‘mental issues’ due to the fact the psychiatric diagnosis guide said so. When the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Ed (DSM-5) was published in 2014, it was acknowledged that these activities are only problematic (or pathological) if causing dysfunction in someone’s day-to-day life.

Submissives get turned on by pain

Not necessarily. Just as we see a lot of imagery suggesting every submissive is female (we’re even guilty with the image we chose to go with this article), we see almost as much suggesting submissives are all lip-quiveringly hawt over pain and impact play. The people who do get pleasure from their own pain are masochists, and although they have significant representation amongst submissives, they are not definitively submissive by nature; just as a submissive is not necessarily a masochist. 

If there’s a generality to getting a submissives turned on, it’s the genuine provision of risk-aware, safe, consensual play with a trustworthy Dominant.

Submissives are just asking to be abused

No one asks to be abused. No one.

It’s true that submissives may ask for any number of things that some people may find beyond their comprehension - be it physical, emotional, or psychological. It’s also true that some of these activities are known forms of torture eg. bondage, bastinado (foot caning). 

Submissives are not immune to abuse, but what happens within the confines of a negotiated and consensual kink scene is play. 

Submissives can never have a ‘normal’ relationship

This is a doozy, huh?! 

Submissives have ‘normal’ relationships all the time. If you want to get all semantic about it - which I do (words are radcakes) - submissives can potentially have a more ‘normal’ relationship than the norm. Many D/s relationships have some sort of protocols in place - rituals and rules for certain times or activities. ‘Conforming to a standard’ is the very definition of normality, and submissives are known to be eager to conform to the standards set by their Dominants.

Submissives will submit to YOU because you are ‘Dominant’

On the other hand, this could be the doozy. 

We’ve all seen it; Doms complaining that they meet a submissive that doesn’t submit to them; complaining of a lack of respect when those who identify as subs don’t capitalise their pronouns or use their title. There’s a lingering idea that a submissive is like some sort of communal servant, ready to please and serve those who ask.

Just because someone identifies as a submissive does not mean they need to be showing their submissive tendencies to you. 

There is no evidence to suggest submission is harmful, or that submissives are anymore broken, vulnerable, or out of control than anyone else - quite the contrary. Recent research is starting to look into the benefits of kink and BDSM, and so far, the kink community shows increased levels of relationship security, self-esteem, empathy, and communication skills when compared to their non-kink counterparts. 

There’s a reason submissives love what they do. Perhaps we put aside that other myth that subs can’t speak for themselves, and actively listen when they voice that passion.