How to ask for what you want in bed

Q: I love my partner dearly and while he is very enthusiastic and giving in bed, his techniques are a bit off the mark and they never get me to the point of orgasm. I find it very frustrating so how do I ask for what I want in bed?

Whether you’ve been dating someone for five minutes or you’re married, speaking up during sex can be a tricky task for some people. But trust me when I say that it’s worth pushing through any discomfort because by not being upfront you’re doing yourself a huge disservice and denying yourself a whole lot of fun.

When it comes down to it, remember that sex is a two-way street that’s meant to feel good for both parties. It should never just be about pleasing your partner or going through the motions. It should be an ongoing ‘conversation’, as our desires can change or evolve over time.

The fact that your partner is an enthusiastic and generous lover tells me that he wants to please you, he wants you to feel good and I’m sure that he wants to be the one to make you orgasm.

But he’s not a mindreader so you’re going to have to give him some direction. It’s all about bringing it up in the moment in a firm but kind way. A good stepping stone is to start with compliments. If he’s doing something that’s working for you, tell him how good it feels. Reinforce good behaviour! Guide his hands, face or other appendages and show him what feels good. Be more direct and tell him whether you want something done ‘harder’ or ‘softer’ in the moment. Make sure to give lots of positive reinforcement where credit is due. Being clear and concise is important. From there, it might make you feel more comfortable in being more direct with your needs and eventually saying, “I need you to curl three fingers here and corkscrew your tongue there,” or whatever floats your boat. Don’t feel shy about saying if something feels uncomfortable or if you’d rather do something else – I’m sure your partner would rather you be fully into what was happening, rather than enduring it.

If the idea of being that direct freaks you out, get the communication ball rolling with some experimental sexting. Text your partner during his work day and weave in a few suggestions of some things you’ve been fantasising about him doing (aka the specific ways you’d like to be touched). 

Another good way to open the conversation is to turn it around and ask your partner what he wants or needs in bed. This way, it becomes a conversation and opens the door for you to be able to share what you might need. This kind of approach also creates a road to trying new things together and exploring new dynamics.

And finally, maybe you are having trouble communicating because you don’t actually know what you like? If you haven’t found it for yourself yet, you’re not going to be able to describe it to anyone. Spend some one-on-one time getting to know yourself a bit more intimately and figure out what feels good for you. I’m sure he would love to join you on that journey if you’re open to sharing it with him. 

Hope that helps. Good luck!