Who ya gonna call?
Amie Wee
on 18 February 2021
23 comments
Q: I’m a 27-year-old guy who has been doing the online dating thing for about a year, and during that time I’ve had some great dates with some amazing women. The problem is, I keep ghosting them, even though we’ve had fun. Recently I met this woman that I really clicked with and we had a string of dates, hooked up a few times, and then… I ghosted her. I was really into her and could see myself having a relationship with her, but I just cut all contact and disappeared and I don’t know why. I feel really bad about it and I’d like to pick it up where we left off, but I feel I might have blown it. Should I text her?
Firstly, yes. You should text that woman immediately and apologise for being a grade-A ghost.
What I think is happening here is a classic case of relationship self-sabotage.
Basically, you’re young, you’ve met someone that you feel a mutual connection with, you’ve had some fun together and your brain has unconsciously sensed that things are propelling forward and it’s screeched the brakes on. Wading into the unknown land of feelings has spooked you, so you have severed the connection and vanished, leaving this woman on read.
Ghosting can be a form of self-sabotage that comes from an unconscious fear of rejection, vulnerability, intimacy or attachment. Sometimes it comes from being scared to open yourself up emotionally to a new relationship, possible because you’ve been cheated on by a past partner or hurt in some other significant way; or you might be prone to ghosting because you haven’t been in a serious relationship before and that freaks you out.
Men are taught from an early age that to make mistakes, look foolish or show vulnerability are signs of weakness. So it makes sense that opting out or disappearing entirely seems like the easiest way to eliminate any potential threat of hurt or confrontation. But vulnerability is underrated and it’s one of the key elements to forming strong bonds with others, not only in relationships but also in friendships.
By defaulting to ghosting every time you start to get intimate with someone, you’re not only romantically cockblocking yourself from a potentially amazing relationship, but you’re hurting the person you’re ghosting.
Being ghosted is brutal. If can leave you feeling angry, rejected and deceived – even if you weren’t super invested in the other person to begin with. It’s confusing, selfish and painful in that the ghoster holds all the communication cards, yet leaves the ghostee in what feels like an emotional echo chamber.
Dating is a gamble. It’s a wild ride that comes with ups, downs and a sometimes-scary mixed bag of emotions. But it can also be incredible, fulfilling and FUN.
The key is to be open-minded and upfront about your intentions along the way. If you aren’t interested in someone, although it might be uncomfortable for a moment, it’s far better to text them and tell them, “I think you’re a great person but I don’t think we’re compatible.” Then you can disappear, rather than just leave them hanging wondering what happened.
So yes, text her back and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Let her know your disappearing act was nothing to do with her and all to do with you. After all, there’s nothing more attractive than someone who is working through their shit and is confident enough to show their true colours.
23 comments
PKnipples
More than a month agoI agree with Sweetestsins. Leave her be. You've done enough damage and opened up the possibility of doubt and lack of trust for a relationship that hasn't even started. Move on and learn from your lesson.
ReplySweetestSins
More than a month agoI’m going against the grain, don’t contact her. Leave that girl alone. She’s probably been racking her brain to see where she went wrong, analysing her every word and move... and hopefully it’s been long enough she’s over it and found somebody new focus her attention on.
ReplyYou had your shot, you blew it. Learn from it.
Mindfood2
More than a month agoBe polite and chat if want to meet be honest and say no expectation as we are all matured people and we been there done that..so ghosting is not even an issue ..after all..Respect goes both ways..:)
ReplyIfuwannadome
More than a month agoIf you dont want to chat or meet, just be honest....dont play with peoples emotions, its a dirty low trick, grow up dont be a jerk
Replyxfactor80
More than a month agoI don't think anybody should be taking advice from someone who is not a professional in this field... Next.
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ReplyThrilllover
More than a month agoAgreed. It’s acceptable if the advice is a stepping stone to a recommendation for a professional advice. Non was given here. Ghosting isn’t just an expression of self sabotage. Dismissive avoidance attachment style can be a result of childhood trauma which if the advice given for is: just be vulnerable, it’ll never hit the root cause and that can lead to further frustration and if untreated, possible depression. Please refer people to therapy.
AMM.Editor
More than a month agoWhich is why we state this at the bottom of the blog, "The content posted on this blog is intended for informational purposes only and the opinions or views within each article are not intended to replace professional advice. If you require professional relationship or sexual health advice you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist."
MovingOn101
More than a month agoIt’s such a selfish and disrespectful thing to do to someone why is it so hard to be honest with someone that’s actually put them self out to spend time with you
ReplyI’ve been in many situations where itd be easy to just ghost someone then deal with it but out of respect I just suck it up and aleast give them that closure
I’ve just recently had this done to me now I just think he’s a liar that said what he thought he had to say for a root I have no respect or time for people like that grow some balls admit how you feel and you’ll get the respect
Good luck
BlurredLines69
More than a month agoI hate being ghosted. I’m mature and well mannered and understand that not everyone will see my appealing qualities but when I can have a lengthy chat with a lady and they ghost me after I share my face pic really leaves me deflated and self conscious. I imagine I must be quasi modo to inspire such a brutal and blunt reaction to my smiling face shared in confidence. I’m guessing this is not gender specific but I personally believe in treating all humans like humans until they prove otherwise. When approached by gay men I respond politely with respect but decline and then we often have a great chat.
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ReplyCopperTop111
More than a month agoHey yeah... didnt realise Ive been ghosted on here till I just read your comment..yes its hurts and is confussing.. one minute chatting then nothing....what did I say? Did I do something wrong? Doesnt hurt or take much to say.. " Thanks but no thanks"...
CopperTop111
More than a month agoWow.. Im almost 61.. and must agree I think this"ghosting" is about past hurts.. was gunna say some other stuff but after reading other comments below..not sure now..wow you really opened a can of worms..glad I read it though..
ReplyCleverAndThick
More than a month agoI see it as a respect issue really. Too many people today are able to get away with being disrespectful due to the anonymity afforded by cyber space. I don't like it being done to me so I sure won't do it to anyone else.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoI totally agree I think the age of technology that we live gives a lot of people an excuse instead of saying "no thank you I dont think this will go any further " people can just block you on a phone or an app or a site and it does make the person who's been ghosted feel it's their fault but it's the person who ghosts has the issue their insecurities and it's hurtful but remember there are people out there genuine and honest and worthy of your time and efforts x
Account Closed
More than a month agoI completely agree with you SongBird18 and your final statement needs to be adopted by everyone.
ispywithmy
More than a month agoA few years ago, I would have said ghosting isn’t a nice thing to do. But since the quality (as a person, nothing physically) of women has gone down hill on internet dating sites, I actually don’t see it as a bad thing, in fact good on the people that do it.
Maybe amm should change validations to ‘reviews?
Although this would open up a huge can of legal worms and litigations and people could then argue the site publicly ridiculed them.
Online dating is first and foremost a profit driven business, they can’t be too picky with clients, so this is here to stay.
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ReplyKinkyGirl101
More than a month agoWow, how many women will block you based on this comment? Let me be the first.
ispywithmy
More than a month agoClearly you didn’t read what I wrote or you didn’t understand it. If I am a pig, what are you? A troll? Nah wait that makes me more of a pig for saying that doesn’t it, because a women insulting a man is ok, reversed it becomes a (woke) discrimination.
Women have every right in the world to turn anyone down. We all have that right. Please show me where I have stated otherwise.
All I ask, is what you ask, don’t ghost or block, JUST SAY ‘I am not interested’. Is that difficult? I would say don’t make out that you’re interested, when clearly you’re not, but that is a part of ‘the game’.
Get a life and don’t take your anger out on me for all those guys who have ghosted you.
AMM.Editor
More than a month agoThis thread is now closed
KinkyGirl101
More than a month agoI've watched friends go through it and it's gut wrenching! FFS be honest, be a grown up and have the balls to tell someone. Not everyone we date is going to be the right person, we get it. And we're all within our rights to change our minds or fall out of love or realise we weren't in love or that it's just not for us.
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ReplyIVAONE60
More than a month agoExactly we are only human after all. Online dating isn't for everyone
KinkyGirl101
More than a month agoIt didn't even relate to online dating as they met at a social gathering. But lovebombing her within the first week and then 3 months later disappears into thin air. Funnily enough resurfaced about 18 months later obviously trying to get a booty call. So proud of her that she ignored and blocked his number immediately.
Account Closed
More than a month agoCouldn't agree with you more KinkyGirl, if someone's not your cup of tea, just be polite and honest about it.
Beachbunn
More than a month agoHate it..
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