Nine times out of ten, when you see depictions of oral sex in a movie, it’s nearly always a woman who is a giving a man a blowjob. Hardly ever do you see a man give a woman cunnilingus, and rarer still, do you see women going down on each other (thank the lesbian gods for The L Word reboot).
It’s a sad fact that a lot of the messages women are fed about sex, revolves around penises. We’re not taught to expect to receive head, although we’re expected to give it. From non LGBTI-inclusive sex education at school, to growing up with Cosmo & Cleo magazines relentless The Same Bloody 10 Blow Job Tips articles, to porn often making cunnilingus look like a hurried unerotic aggressively stamp-licking before the penis enters the scene, it’s no wonder women get nervous about giving other women pleasure when our sex doesn’t get as much air time as straight sex does.
It should though. Finding yourself face-first between the thighs of a beautiful women is a blessed experience. Whenever a woman cums in your mouth, it’s a fact that the room will suddenly be filled with the sound of bells and flutes, while smiling woodland creatures flock to the perimeter of the bed. Eating pussy feels like a goddamn revolution.
However, from terrible fingering to using your mouth like a washing machine on the spin cycle, there is so much terrible cunnilingus advice on the internet. Here are a few things I wish I knew when I started going down on women.
Every body is different
It’s a cliché because it’s true. It doesn’t matter if you’ve gone down on one vagina or 500 of them, every one is different. Everybody has things they love, like, are partial to, are curious about and just plain don’t like. Everyone responds differently to sexual stimulation. Just because you might like someone blowing bubbles on your clit while they finger you to the rhythm of “Santa Baby”, doesn’t mean your lover will. There is no one way to eat pussy.
Cum-munication is key
Lost down there? Don’t be afraid to ask for direction. If someone takes the initiative to plant themselves between my thighs and give me oral sex, I’m more than happy to give them some guidance. Plus, wanting to please your partner is hot. As things start getting hot, ask them what they like. If they can’t tell you because they’re not sure or they’re shy, take your sweet time exploring their body with your hands and mouth and encourage them to tell you as it happens. Your lack of experience isn’t a detriment – we all had to start somewhere! And some of us delight in playing teacher… When it comes down to it, you can have great technique, but in the end, communication wins.
I’m seasoned at giving head to women, yet I still have these ingrained hangups about receiving it. For me, it’s an instant turn on (and verbal relaxant) when someone tells me what they want to do to me. Tell your partner how badly you want to go down on them, how you want to taste them and give them pleasure. The more relaxed and receptive your partner is, the more likely you both are to have a good time. Also, while you’re going down on her, don’t be afraid to make some noise. She’ll want to know that you’re enjoying yourself too.
Read her body
You can pick up a lot of cues by paying attention to your someone’s body while you’re between their legs. Is she grinding her hips? What’s her breathing like? Are her toes curling? Is she talking in tongues while gripping your hair and bucking against you like a lesbian bronco out of the gate? Or is she lying on the bed like a disinterested starfish?
Be a clit tease
The best oral sex experiences I’ve had, almost always involved a long, drawn out tease… Teasing heightens anticipation and builds tension. Being edged towards an orgasm with a tongue that’s building you up without allowing you to burst is the best kind of torture. Be a clit tease and avoid the clitoris until the end. Yes… you heard me. Start by running your hands up and down her inner thighs, ignoring her pussy entirely. Kiss and lick her inner thighs, letting your hot breath tease her outer labia before you move on to kissing somewhere else. Raise the stakes by running your fingers across the outside of her pussy, following the creases between her labia and thighs. Resist the urge to get too eager. Eventually, get your mouth involved by kissing and licking her outer labia before returning to her inner thighs and stomach. Tease the vaginal opening with your tongue. Take it slow. Build the delicious tease. The whole vulva is a hot bed of nerve endings. You know you’re going to lick her clitoris. She knows you’re going to lick her clitoris – but she doesn’t know when.
Use your whole mouth
When it does come to giving the clitoris attention, don’t aggressively flick your tongue against it like a race. Get your whole mouth involved. Oral sex is so much more than licking a clitoris with the tip of your tongue. Start by flattening your tongue and slowly licking from the perineum up and over her clitoris. Suck on the clitoral hood while running your tongue around the clit. Kiss and press your mouth against different parts of the vulva. Kissing and lick the vaginal opening and outer labia. Sometimes making (genuine) appreciative noises while you’re going down on someone communicates to them not only that you’re into it, but can also additionally add a vibration sensation.
Adding penetration of fingers or toys can take the sensation of oral sex to a toe-curling, sheet-gripping level. Some people like the addition of penetration during oral, some people prefer external stimulation only and some of us… like it all. Find out what your partner likes. If she’s up for penetration, start with a finger or two, hooking it into a come-hither motion. Use your fingers gently for a bit – reading her body language – before adding your mouth back into the mix. Multi-tasking is your friend! Slide your fingers or a toy in and out while running circles over the clitoris with your mouth. Mix up the sensation by keeping your fingers or a toy moving inside while your mouth travels up to kiss or whisper dirty talk in her ear.
Orgasm shouldn’t be the goal
Don’t make orgasm the goal – your goal should be purely about making someone feel good. If I ever feel hurried or like someone is trying to make me cum really quickly, my brain starts to overthink and the chance of me orgasming drops to 1%. If someone doesn’t cum when you’re going down on them, don’t take it personally. Some women just prefer to (or can only) come in other ways.
Like everything, oral sex gets better with practice. Once playtime is over, make sure you check in with your partner. Ask them what they liked the most and store those notes in the oral sex Rolodex in your head. This will help you improve your skills. After all, sex is all about learning, growing and having fun while doing it.